When leaders stop talking

How small silences can create big trust gaps

A former colleague reached out to me recently — someone I’ve worked with and led. He’s talented, experienced, and at the top of his game. 

He needed some advice. His leader had cancelled all future one-on-ones with him. No explanation. No reschedule. Just silence.

He knows this leader is still meeting with others on the team. And he doubts there’s a performance issue — he’s hitting his targets and getting positive feedback from others. He has requested face-to-face time, but the silence continues. 

So now he’s left feeling confused, left out, and blocked.

“I don’t know what’s changed,” he told me. “I feel so on the ‘outer’, it’s awful.”

That conversation has stayed with me.

Because here’s the thing: 👉 Not having a conversation is having a conversation. It sends a message — one that says: “You’re not a priority right now.” Or, in my former colleague’s own words: “I feel like it says ‘you don’t matter’ or ‘I can’t be bothered with you’.”

And that silent signal is quietly (and quickly) eroding trust.

The struggle that leaders rarely talk about

Many people step into leadership roles because they’ve mastered their craft — whether that’s operations, engineering, or another technical area. Leading a team feels like the natural next step.

But once in the role, many of us learn — sometimes the hard way — that leadership isn’t just about what we know or do. 

It’s about how we connect and communicate. It’s about building trust, safety, and belonging.

And effective one-on-ones are one of the most powerful ways to do that.

The problem

When you’re new to leading people, regular one-on-ones can feel awkward or even unnecessary. Most of us were never trained in how to have these conversations, and our understanding of their purpose is often unclear.

Even after years in leadership roles, when the pressure ramps up — competing priorities, tight deadlines, expectations from above — one-on-ones with the team are often the first thing to drop out of the calendar.

And the tricky part is: cancelling can feel neutral. 

It’s not.

When leaders go quiet, people fill the gap themselves — with assumptions, stories, and doubt. That’s how trust gaps form. Not always through conflict, but through absence. 

I know, because I’ve been there too. Early in my leadership journey, I often felt like I didn’t have time for another “meeting” or that things were going well enough without one-on-ones. But every time I made that choice, I noticed the subtle consequences: distance, missed context, assumptions, and missed opportunities for connection. Little things started taking longer. People held back. Issues surfaced later (and bigger) than they needed to.

Effective one-on-ones are the heartbeat of leadership

Professor Robin Dunbar’s research into human connection and social networks confirms what most of us intrinsically know — relationships depend on time investment. 

Among primates, bonds are maintained through grooming. Among humans, through conversation. Dunbar calls it the time cost of relationships.

In leadership, that time cost is the one-on-one. It’s about choosing connection over convenience.

Cancel the one-on-ones, and the relationship weakens — not because of conflict, but because of the absence of conversation.

It’s more than a meeting

I’ve partnered with hundreds of leaders through leadership programs and team effectiveness workshops to strengthen how they communicate — especially in their one-on-one conversations.

And a pattern shows up again and again: the leaders who build trust fastest aren’t the ones with the most polished answers. They’re the ones who keep showing up.

• We map their communication rhythms.

• We implement frameworks that suit their leadership style.

• We discuss mindsets, too:

🥱 Do we believe one-on-ones are just another “meeting”?

💫 Or, are we creating a moment that matters?

Designing moments that matter means:

• Talking about performance and wellbeing.

• Saying thank you — not just for results, but also for effort.

• Giving and asking for feedback (before it becomes a ‘thing’).

• Creating space and permission for questions, concerns, and honesty.

• Closing with clarity so people leave lighter and not left guessing.
  

Connection by design

I recently wrapped up a three-month workshop series with a fast-scaling business that truly gets it — one-on-one conversations are their special sauce.

They know scaling fast isn’t just about systems or strategy. It’s about leaders who can connect deeply, build trust quickly, and create clarity through consistent one-on-one conversations — especially when things get busy.

Because connection doesn’t happen by chance. It happens by design.

If you’re ready to help your technically brilliant leaders become more confident, connected, and skilled communicators, I’d love to help. Email me at hello@studio-connect.com.au to schedule a call — we’ll talk about what’s happening in your organisation and what kind of leadership development workshop would make the biggest difference.

Narelle